I am attending a wedding today.  One of my favorite parts of weddings is eating CAKE! My nephew is marrying a wonderful girl and it is a time of celebration for our family.

Weddings are fun, but considering the divorce rate, something must be happening AFTER the wedding that is not so fun.  My husband recently published a blog, Fighting the “Man Creep”, in which he talks about the phenomenon where a man pursues a girl passionately, and then after marriage becomes romantically lazy and vision-less.   I encourage you to read the blog. (Link available at the end of this blog)

But, girls, what about us?  Can we be guilty of the same thing?  What happens after the wedding is MORE important than all those details you agonized over for the one BIG day.   Are we preparing for that? Sadly, statistics seem to say no.

Now woman are complex. They will cheer and applaud when you tell them what is wrong with their man.  But when you talk about THEIR inadequacies it becomes eerily quiet. It can be like swimming with the piranhas.  So I will venture into the water very cautiously.  Put aside any defensiveness for a few moments and know that most of what follows was learned through MY mistakes.

It’s easy to let things “creep” in after marriage. Little germs that undermine the intimacy of a married couple until our marriage is unhealthy.  If treated poorly, women tend to pull away emotionally and go into survival mode.  One day we wake up and find we are adversaries rather than teammates.  Culture reinforces this.  Much of my early resistance in marriage was because I listened to the culture and looked out for ME, rather than being willing to give of myself.  This produced trouble.

So a few little things I’ve learned as a woman after 20 years to avoid the “creep”:

1)      Act like his wife, not his mother.  Few things are a greater turn-off than hearing your wife sound like your mother.  If you are struggling to wonder why your husband seems closed-off to you or not attracted to you, take a few minutes and listen to how you speak to him.  Do you hear your mother?  Or worse, do you hear his mother?   Proverbs says it is better to live in a corner of the house than to co-exist with the nagging of a woman.  You should speak to him differently than you speak to your children or there might be a problem.

2)      Care for yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Now this is where it gets scary as I move into dangerous territory.  The standard of care is NOT a skinny, perfectly put-together, supermodel, preacher woman.  I walk around in a ball cap for most of my week days.  But we are fools if we overlook the fact that men are visually wired.  Just like I’m wired to respond positively to chocolate and my husband wearing a tool-belt, our husbands like to look at us. I resisted this. Mostly because I didn’t like the way I looked.   Pregnancy, raising babies, or hormones in middle-age can make it a battle to feel beautiful and emotionally rested.  But can you do little things?  Eat healthier (with a little chocolate), get away and pray, play at the park, take a hike outdoors, add a little lipstick before you see him…the list goes on.  It really is about attitude here. Do I value him and myself enough to look my best? If I take a few minutes to care for myself, not only will he love it, but so will I.  When I feel cared for, I feel more beautiful.   When I feel more beautiful, I feel more alive romantically…and you can figure out the rest.

3)      Inspire, rather than manipulate.  Proverbs 14:1 says “The wise woman builds her house but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”  This scripture created a sense of responsibility I didn’t like. I have been given the power of my femininity to impact the atmosphere in my home positively, not as a manipulative tool to get my way. When I inspire my husband, I am building up the foundation of the home.  When I manipulate him, I am destroying that same foundation.  Don’t understand that word INSPIRE?  Watch the Rocky movies and then connect the dots. One of the great questions of the man’s heart is: Do I have what it takes?  It took some time into our marriage before I realized how important it was that I inspire my husband to believe that he does have what it takes (through Christ) to lead us well. Just as we need to feel loved, they need to feel believed in.  Do you dismiss his dreams?  Or, perhaps life has sapped his dreams. Inspire him to dream again. A man can leave the house each day a zero or a hero. Make him a hero and reap the rewards.

 4)      Make him a priority.   I used to think that caring for my babies, working my job, or doing the grocery shopping was enough for him to feel like a priority.  I was wrong.  The more I listened (and put aside my pride) to my husband, the more I realized what he really needed was not all that difficult, just different.   Take the time to find out what speaks love to your husband.  What are the small things you can do today to let your husband know he matters? Your kids are more vocal with their needs but realize that their greatest need is that their parents stay married.

 5)      Protect your teammate. This may sound strange as the husband is seen as the protector in the Biblical marriage relationship.  Let me explain.  For many years, I joked about my husband for a good laugh. I sometimes resisted his decisions in front of my children.   Then one day I saw the impact my responses were having on my children.  1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that love ALWAYS protects.  They were becoming dismissive of his requests.  As a minister, my husband is the primary communicator of the gospel in my church.  If I speak poorly about him all week long, it will be difficult for people on Sunday to see past ‘the man’ and receive the Word, especially my children.  I don’t want to be a stumbling block to the gospel. Please understand I am not condoning covering up sinful behavior, but protecting and honoring his role as husband, father, and pastor. He is MY teammate.  You must protect your relationship.

So there you have it. I am not sure that “female” and “creep” should ever be used in the same sentence, but I think you get the point.

Girls, I know it can be scary to put yourself out there emotionally, even in marriage.  It was terrifying for me at first.  The fear of being unsafe in a man’s hands runs deep. So I did something different; I chose to place my heart and life into God’s capable hands instead.  I have found when God is the holder of your heart, He keeps it safely guarded in His hands.  My gift of love for my husband is really not about my husband.  It’s about a life sacrificially poured out as worship to God.  God will care for you and your needs until your husband changes.  In the meantime, become the woman He created YOU to be. You and your marriage will never regret it.

http://keepingitreallife.wordpress.com/2014/02/12/fighting-the-man-creep/