I resist labels. I don’t like the boxes that words put us in. There is one label, though, that I need to use today. As a parent for nine years of a child who has suffered from multiple broken attachments, let me introduce you to RAD, or Reactive Attachment Disorder.
I have made friends with some incredible parents of other RAD kids and our bond (no pun intended) has been forged in great difficulty. We have cried together, prayed together, and laughed together. Our kids have emotional wounds across a wide spectrum from broken attachments with family. But there is one thing we all have in common: frustration over the lack of understanding from outsiders. In fact, more than a lack of support, there has been mostly judgment and criticism.
So today I write from the heart as a RAD mom hoping that maybe you will see our job just a little bit differently. I spend a lot of time daydreaming about transporting people into my mothering role for just one day. Dumb, I know, but humor me anyway. I don’t claim to be an expert on RAD, just an expert on my kid and what has worked and failed over these years.
After nine years together, my child has made great strides. He is on the up side of healing and we are so proud of how far he has come. In fact, he has never heard of RAD, as we have worked relentlessly to protect him from labels AND excuses. It has been an ugly, difficult, yet wonderful journey. My heart in writing this post is to give insight into the challenges many adoptive parents face and how you can help. Really, you can. So here are the top 7 things we need you to know:
- What you see in front of you is not the child we see at home. Our children can be masters of manipulation and sweetness, especially if you are deemed gullible and giving of attention. Their pain has taught them to TAKE from people rather than invest in relationships. Because we are not naïve OR permissive, we become the enemy. We force them to deal with their relationship issues and it makes them very angry. Please don’t tell us in front of them how wonderful they are. You don’t really know THEM and you feed the narcissistic, superhero picture they cling to for protection. We know that the hurting child beneath that angry bully is wonderful, so please be patient while we find him.
- What you perceive as “being too hard on him” are the boundaries that we have put in place to make sure all of us survive. We need this to last. His heart cannot last another broken attachment. He has trained us to know what he can or cannot handle. If he is not emotionally ready for a privilege, we are fine with that. He has learned to lie, cheat, and steal from people who are helping him and we are helping him UNLEARN this. It takes time. We are not picking on him, just trying to make sure he doesn’t self-destruct. What society tolerates in a child, will not be tolerated in an adult, and we understand that the clock is ticking. Time is a constant pressure for us.
- It is not cute to let my child hug and hang all over you. In fact, this is one of the BIGGEST indicators of attachment issues. Healthy children have stranger anxiety. He may immediately act like you are his new best friend but realize he is emotionally broken and refuses to bond to the people who are committed to love him: his parents. He would rather meet his emotional needs through strangers because it feels safe. But we know that this is the most dangerous belief he has. He is at risk from strangers by his openness. He needs to attach to us emotionally. Please don’t get in the way of that process by undermining our bond.
- Please realize that every day is a battle. This may help you understand why we are not always cheery about our parenting role. RAD moms get the bulk of the rage and we feel the fight coming long before it hits. When we know it is coming, we get tense so we can emotionally survive. It can take us a couple of days to regroup emotionally after his raging. Please forgive us if we exhibit sarcasm on those days. We are trying, really trying. Sometimes we choose to minimize the battles by not allowing him to participate in certain things. We are not playing favorites to our children, only to the battles we are willing to fight. If you understood that the simplest things like laundry, breakfast, or homework brings an ugly attitude with throwing, screaming, and raging, you, too, would be terrified of the big things like sleepovers, sports, and dating.
- The mind and the body of our RAD children are not usually the same age. This is the hardest one for us currently. He may look like a teenager but he is emotionally much younger. Unfortunately, society puts a great deal of expectation on him to have privileges, make decisions, and perform academically as a normal teen. Please let him mature at his own pace without adding pressure to him. This breeds frustration for him which always leads to battles for us. We tell him that he will emotionally heal, even if it takes an extra 10 years. We are committed to that process and have dropped age-based expectations. Please do the same.
- What you interpret as helpful, we see as control. Don’t be surprised when we don’t get excited that our child is running the show when we return to pick him up. You may rave about his leadership skills, but our hearts are sinking inside. He’s been running the show for himself since birth. This is a survival technique that keeps him believing the lies of staying unattached from us. Please teach him to be led by real, healthy authority so that he can learn to trust in others and have respect for real authority as an adult.
- We love our RAD child. NO ONE would do this for fun. We do it because we have been called by God to help our child find healing, wholeness, and a relationship with God. You may have judged us as unloving, controlling, strict, etc. That is the farthest thing from the truth. In fact, every other person in my child’s life has abandoned them. That would be easy. RAD moms and dads are committed to staying until the end but we could use your support, not your judgment. And maybe, just maybe, you could step into our world and help a hurting child who needs healing through adoption? It will be a long, difficult journey but it will change your life.
There you have it. It was difficult to write this. It feels risky to put this out to people who don’t live it. My husband’s favorite line throughout our journey has been: “You wouldn’t yell at a blind man for stepping on your foot.” And my response has always been, “Yes, but my foot still hurts from the pain.” My child and I are a lot alike. We both tend to pull away from pain. But from all of us RAD parents, thank you for listening to our hearts today and pray for us as we continue our journey.
For more info:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2014/02/20/280237833/orphans-lonely-beginnings-reveal-how-parents-shape-a-childs-brain
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/reactive-attachment-disorder/basics/definition/con-20032126
http://www.aacap.org/aacap/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Reactive_Attachment_Disorder_85.aspx