It was one of those Sundays where I wish the earth could have swallowed him up. What a great lesson in obedience for all those church kids! But here I was facing the moment of truth. Who was in charge? This kid was new to our church…obviously.  Sitting in one spot and listening were not an option. He also lacked any “fun to be with” skills which made him and his sound effects, well, OBNOXIOUS.  So after I had asked him to get back into his chair again, he threw himself on the floor at the front of the room, looked up and said in an irritating voice, “DRAG ME!”  I must confess that at that moment I felt like doing more than dragging him.

Every parent has been there.  The infamous power struggle sounds like this:  “I told you to eat those peas or you are going to sit here all night!  Rarely does a parent win in a situation like this.  Here is one of the greatest parenting truths you can learn:  YOU CANNOT MAKE A HUMAN BEING DO SOMETHING THEY DO NOT WANT TO DO!   Not without coercion or violence which are not options.  Like most parents, I learned this the hard way. After losing many battles, I realized I was in danger of losing the war if I continued down this path of insanity.  Being an authoritarian is a bad idea for a parent. Authoritative is the goal. Remember our goal: to raise adults who contribute and function well in our society.  This will not happen if we walk around like a supreme dictator trying to make them do what we want.

So the first principle in a power struggle? Choose your battles carefully and keep them to a minimum.  I’ve learned over the years that many of my “battles” were simply my own personal quirks.  I like quiet children.  Doesn’t that sound wonderful?   Well, any time my four kids are in the same room, it is louder than I like.  Or, when the boys are wrestling with Dad, it’s going to be loud.  This is not a worthy battle.  A worthy battle is the one that requires character in your child.  Like this one: “If you hit someone, you WILL be removed from the room or house, to decide how much you like it here.”  You get the idea.  Keep the battles few and far between.  You didn’t like peas as kid, neither does your child.

Now when you have to battle, here are a few suggestions:

1) Communicate your expectation clearly

2) Communicate the consequences clearly

3) Give them the power of choice (include the ‘power of reason’)

4) Walk away and let them decide 

When you communicate your expectation, you are letting your child know what is expected of them.   It is unfair to hold a child accountable when you’ve never communicated to them the expectation.    Here’s an example:  1.) “Junior, we don’t slam doors in anger.”   Now, communicate the consequence.  2.) “If you do that again, you will lose it.”   Then, give them the power of choice: 3.) “If you choose to slam it again, I will have no choice but to take it.  I’m sure you would prefer to have a door (power of reason) for your privacy, but if not, I understand.”  4.) Walk away.  If they slam it again, there should be no words and no yelling.  Just go out to the garage, get your tools and remove the door.  No privacy? It is now their problem. If you misuse it, you lose it.  It should cost them, not you.  For the record, my husband and I have removed doors.  It was a great life lesson. Empower them to make the right choice and hold them accountable when they don’t.  Obviously, for smaller children, make sure they can age-appropriately understand expectations and consequences before holding them accountable.

That Sunday morning I was suddenly grateful for all of the extreme behavior issues I had dealt with during those early years of our foster care/adoption journey.  So I laid it out for that obnoxious (and valuable) young man.  Did I mention that my “power of reason” included an usher who was much bigger than I was and a van ride home early?  And I was prepared to do it.  DO NOT BLUFF.  Kids are brilliant and can detect bluffers.  Before you speak, prepare your plan of action and be committed to it. The kid must decide if it is worth it.   He went back to his seat, and I chose to overlook some of the other little annoyances.

It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship which includes BOUNDARIES.  He is now one of our favorite kids and our team has been able to pour into his life in a powerful way! Once the boundaries were set, he was free to start building character and self-control. A process with many bumps…so be patient.  You cannot make someone do something they do not want to do.  As parents, we need to learn this lesson early so we can about the business of building REAL character in our kids.  So, stop dragging them and start teaching by holding them accountable. Make it a win-win for all of you.