I seem to have knack for weird parenting encounters.  Last week I listened to a mother drone on and on about why her son was a problem.

This kid is a typical pre-adolescent boy; creative…lazy…and as his mother explained, a trouble-maker.  He would fall into the “not EVER fun to be with” camp.

Now Mom had a list of reasons a mile long that started with the time of day (meds had worn off) and continued on to the fact that she was a single mom without a role model for her boy.  I understand these are factors that can play into behavior, but I think Mom is missing something very important.

Her attitude and excuse-making are as much of a problem as her son’s behavior is.  Her son wandered around the lobby while Mom explained to all of us why he cannot behave. Though I wanted to shake that mother, I chose to only shake my head.

Having dealt with significant behavior issues in my kids, I appreciate and respect the help that medication can bring for the child with emotional and behavioral issues.  BUT are we creating a culture of kids who don’t have to take responsibility for their behavior?  When my son came to live with us, he was on six medications.  I was truly horrified at the drugs they were putting into his eight-year-old body.  A drug to make him sleep, a drug to make him focus, a drug to make him happy, a drug to make him stop raging, and two drugs to counter the side effects of all the others. Despite these powerful drugs, my son had the attention span of a pea and the rage of a ferocious croc.

What was missing?  It was the expectation that he must also choose to do the right thing. Everyone in his life had let him off the hook.

Now this post is not a rant against medicating your kids.  Rather, it is a rant about putting enough tools in your child’s behavior toolbox that the decision to put him on medication will complete the toolbox, not replace it.  There is no pill for can’t or won’t.  We need to be careful we aren’t giving our kids a license to “get out of life” free.  Our kids will not be perfect.  Anyone who has been a parent for more than a day knows this.  There is a law of expectation that really is important.  Proverbs tells us that life and death are in the power of the tongue.  I have learned over the years the profound power of this proverb.

Let me explain.

When my son came to live with us, he was on a sugar-free diet because someone told him that sugar made him hyper.  Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t.  However, I found it strange that after eliminating the sugar from his diet, and coupling it with these six medications, he was still out of control…AND now always hungry.  Is it any wonder he stole food?  I would steal food if you put me on a sugar-free diet!

So I sat him down, looked him in the eye and told him, “Sugar doesn’t make you hyper. you choose to be hyper.” Thus, began introducing the “expectation” that he has the power to choose.  He didn’t know how to choose well yet, but it was time somebody told him he was back on the hook for his behavior.  It was a risk, but I was clueless and desperate in those early days of his adoption.  So we began implementing regular food back into his life.  What resulted was he stopped stealing food–immediately.  And the behavior “retraining” program began, albeit VERY slowly, with the idea that you can choose to do right and his parents were here to hold him accountable.

Now I know it is hard because we want to protect our struggling kids from people who don’t understand them.  I, too, have a natural tendency to run around explaining his issues to the world so they don’t think poorly of him…and me.  Ouch.  Those are difficult words.  But change can only come when we face the truth.  We are raising them to be adults who can not only function, but contribute to making our world a better place.

What are we doing to make sure that happens?  We must face our fear of failure that runs deep.

Next, we must create a culture of expectation that says they must do what is right, even when it is difficult. This applies to us in our parenting, as well.

Then, our job is to hold them accountable.  This is where so many quit.  Expect, then inspect.  It takes time and energy to inspect.  However, if we pay the time and attention in the early years, it will pay off greatly later.  Simplify your life until they get it.  Wait too long and you will suddenly have an overgrown infant in the body of a teenager.  Those excuses will then haunt you as they come from his lips.

It is amazing what happens to a defiant and lazy kid who has a mama (and/or daddy) who is committed to ridding his life of “excuses”.   No, he won’t be perfect but he will know what the world expects of him.

“Can’t” must be eliminated from his vocabulary.  It’s just an open door to “won’t”.

And, Mama, you can take that fearful, sometimes guilt-ridden, nurturing heart to Jesus every day to help you believe in what you cannot yet see.  I promise you that He will help you on the worst days to have the courage to do what must be done.  And on the best days, He will lift your heart with joy that you did your part to rid the world of yet another trouble-maker.

You can make a difference…one great expectation at a time.