Dear Son,

You may have noticed things changing and I felt it was important to explain to you why.

Daily, I’m riddled with frustration over the state of our world and the state of people, in general.  But lately, I’m increasingly frustrated about the state of our boys.

The older I get, the more I see the value of wisdom.  And I’ve been noticing the lack of real wisdom and leadership in our culture.  The girls I know seem eager to lead.  The boys…well, they don’t seem to care so much these days.  And that concerns me.  We need them to care.  We need both boys and girls to make sure the world plays nice.

Maybe it was the fight I had to break up on the playground today, along with that bloody nose and two boys, normally friends, who couldn’t figure what went wrong.

Maybe it was my husband quietly leaving in the middle of the night to pray for his family, his community, his world that has me worried about who will take his place when he is too old to leave.

Maybe it’s the picture burned in my mind of 21 men being marched out to the coast of the Mediterranean Sea by another group of men whose hearts and minds are filled with poison, and whose hands are quick to shed blood.

Both boys and men so willing to cause bloodshed.

Boys attacking boys, men attacking men.  Both seem more inclined lately to also attack our daughters without remorse.  I fear that our boys are growing up and staying boys. That cannot and should not happen.

So since the world is sending you terrible messages about what makes a man a man, I’m stepping in to make sure it’s all clear.

• You may be noticing that things have been less comfortable for you.  

I’m not doing your laundry, fixing every meal, making appointments, or micro-managing your life.  My day is done and your day has arrived.  You will not live here forever.

We will always be here for you in some form or fashion, but get this straight:

You cannot be a man and live with your momma forever.

While I battle back and forth with this one, love requires that I let you go, so you can be the man God has called you to be.  Though you will forever live in my heart, you cannot forever live on my couch.

If you are willing, Dad and I will walk you through it.   If you are foolish, you will learn the hard way what happens when a boy is cold and hungry.

You were made to provide for yourself and eventually, others.  Get used to that wonderful feeling.

• What you do with your time determines the kind of man you will be.

Allow me to clarify what I mean by making the most of the moments you’ve been given.  It doesn’t mean spending your day playing video games, or idly staring into a screen.

I’m working very hard to overcome my prejudices about video games, technology, and the virtual world.  You must work as hard to overcome the laziness that consumes you when you lay on the couch or bed in an unproductive state spending your life on adventures that aren’t real.  Please do not tell me that the hand, thumb, eye coordination is a skill you need in your job.  I’m over it.

There are certain amounts of time throughout the day for rest and entertainment.  The rest were made for producing, rather than consuming everything in my refrigerator, and everything this world throws out there to steal your time and imagination from you.

The world is in need of great leaders.  Live with vision to lead and you will discover your purpose for being here.

• Every girl should be treated like your sister until you think she could, and should be your wife.  

Don’t roll your eyes at me on this one.

On second thought, maybe I should request that every woman be treated like your mom since I’ve seen the way you treat your sisters.

What it really means is keeping your hands, lips, and eyes in check.  One thing that matters to me is that you honor the voice, mind, and body of women.  Women have been given a brain and a voice, and a real man must learn to listen carefully to the first two to determine how he should treat the last one.

This means her “no” means “no.”  And increasingly, sometimes even her “yes” should mean “no.” 

It doesn’t mean she’s being fickle, coy, or misleading.  Only a schlump would suggest such a thing, and if she can’t answer “yes” to something she has been asked by you, Son, I must wonder then why you have asked her?

Remember that an honorable man protects those he loves…and yes, even those he doesn’t.

The strongest man is the man with self-control.

• Porn is a trap.

Hopefully, this one won’t embarrass you too much, but it just needs to be said.

Run hard and run fast from it.  It steals the very thing you desire: intimacy, genuine love, and a great sex life.  In fact, most research tells us that those who view porn end up on the slippery slope of impotency when it comes to sex with a real woman.

How’s that for a sleight of hand?

I know you are probably covering your ears right now but I think all our boys need to hear this:

What you see on the screen is fake.

Real sex is powerful.  A woman is at her sexual best when she feels safe enough to be herself, and safe enough to trust that she is loved and accepted for who she is.  You should probably write that down because too many guys are treating girls like objects, instead of people.  Woman don’t enjoy being beat up, raped, talked down to, or marginalized as subservient, and any man with half a brain should know that.  Avoid boys who don’t have at least half a brain.

And please, please, don’t be one.   You’re never too old for your mother to discipline you.

I know this is a great deal for your to process for one day so I will send you the rest next week.   In the meantime, read it over and take it all in.

These are hard words for me to write but I close with this question:

What kind of man do you want to be, Son?  

You must answer this before you can answer the next question:

What kind of man will you be?

Love must always let you choose and I implore you to choose wisely.  For once you choose, your life will be directed by those choices. But we desperately need boys who will put away childish things and choose well to lead and serve this generation and this broken world.

My prayer for you echoes that of Douglas MacArthur in A Father’s Prayer:

“Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid.”

Until next time, I am always praying,

Your Mom